what i really want? (it's a question)

this posting is all about what was happened to me on January 19 2008

gini,jadi waktu itu as usual, gue les bahasa inggris di LIA tercinta (hallah!)
waktu itu gue langsung dari sekolah (seperti biasa) dan semuanya emang seperti biasa.
cuma saat ini, gue hanya merasa sangat bete di sekolah (gue juga sering gitu sih)
nah di LIA yg waktu itu sepi,maksud gue kelas gue yg sepi,mulailah kita belajar....
saat itu yg gue pelajarin adalah ttg orang-0rang sukses gitu (that's why i like LIA cz besides learning English,i learn about many things,so many things)
kita ngebahas reading,klo gue gak salah,judulnya 'How's to be a Winner' (more or less)
yg jadi sampel of the success people klo gak salah cowo playboy jago bulutangkis yg ahirnya dapet istri anak pejabat,oprah winfrey dan wanita murah hati, baik hati, hati-hati yg entah kenapa gak nikah-nikah,taufik hidayat (?)
di artikel yg jadi bahasan kelas gue dibahas sebuah terori yg udah terbukti berhasil bagi orang-orang yg sukses.
kata-katanya susah,guru gue yg cerdas, baik hati,keibuan, dan seorang motivator yg baik itu,Ms. Shelina pun harus menjelaskan dulu ke kita-kita maksud dari yg ditulisin di artikel itu.
dan ternyata,everything is just so amazing!
cool! gue bener-bener terpana sama "formula kesuksesan" yg ditulisin di sana!
salah satu rumus yg gue inget that's "assume for resume"
kurang lebih maksudnya,kita harus bener-bener total sama apa yg kita kerjain dan harus nerima segala konsekuensinya. maksud dr assume itu,klo kita udah percaya bahwa yg kita lakuin bener,kita gak akan pernah nyesel kalo sewktu-waktu kita gagal dan gak bisa wujudin apa yg kita rencanain sebelumnya.
sampe ahirnya Ms. Shelina nanya siapa yg punya kisah ttg assume for resume ini dan secara kebetulan atau emang udah takdir,mata kita saling beradu (hallah).
beliau lyat gue dan akhirnya nyuruh gue buat nyeritain "kisah" gue tersebut
gue sambil ketawa-tawa karena merasa punya cerita ttg itu (tp dalam hal lain,yg mungkin akan gue ceritakan nanti),ahirnya mau gak mau mengerjakan tugas mulia beliau itu dan pastinya tanpa menceritakan yg sebenarnya ada dipikiran gue (cz it's so embarassing! trust me!)

ms.shelina: riri,please.. tell your story!
gue: okay,ma'am. mmm,,(nyengir) actually,i have a story but it's private so i will tell the other story..
ms.shelina: okay,move on
gue: mmm, i have a desire that i like to be the best in my class, in my school. i don't want to get bad scores. i feel happy if i can beat my friend or some but i feel satisfied. i know, it's kinda cruel but i really like to be the best and i will try so hard,to get that position. for example,i always get up in the middle of the night for studying. i don't care about mu health or some, the most important thing that i can be the best. i can do anything but in the right way of course..
ms.shelina: have you ever felt down if you can't make your desire come true?
gue: of course i feel down. i feel very sad if i get bad scores..
ms.shelina: oh,it means that be the best is not something that you really want..if you really want it,you won't feel down if you fail. it's just your desire,it's not something that you really want. it's not your own drive..so,it's not one of the keys to be success. the first thing is you have to know the thing that you really want then you have to try hard to make it come true..

setelah denger ms. shelina ngomong gitu,petir langsung sambar-menyambar di kuping gue.
i don't really know what i want..
emang,selama ini orientasi gue adalah belajar,belajar, dan belajar to be the best.
tapi ternyata itu bukan hal yg bener-bener gue mau! be the best is not the thing that i really want...
padahal salah satu kunci buat sukses adalah gue harus tau my own drive..
dan dengan tau hal-hal yg sebenernya gue mau dalam hidup, tau tujuan gue dalam hidup,gue bakal dapat the trully happiness,kebahagiaan yg sebenernya...
dan segalanya seolah-seolah jadi samar..
oh,gosh! gue bener bener bener gak tau..